Because it matters.

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.”

That was the most profound lesson I learnt from John Green/Devid Levithan’s amazing book called Will Grayson, will grayson which you should definitely read if you are looking for The Perks of being Wallflower or Looking for Alaska kind of book.

Anyway.

When it comes to love, I always describe myself as masochist.My friends like to describe me as irrational and foolish.Whatever suits you better.I agree though, I didn’t get mad when they call me a fool.Because I am.

I am a fool.
I am irrational.
I am masochist.

Because, in my opinon that’s how you are suppose to be when you are in love.
When you fall for someone, you have this desire, urge, longing feeling, you are going to be very very afraid.

I was scared the whole time I realized my feeling for someone.Although I might seem fearless, even my dear friend tell me that I am very courageous when in fact : I am scared as hell, of the awful possibilities of being rejected or despised or after you are in comfort of companionship that once deep and beautiful, it abruptly ends because I don’t know, things happen.And then you are going to get hurt, so hurt, it kills you to the bone and shaken the core of you, driving you to think that you might be depressed or insane.

I’ve been there.
I’ve been hurt I get so depressed, the air turns sour, I lost my appetite, I cried myself to sleep, I feel helpless as if the life of me sucked into a black hole.But does that make me regret everything or prevent myself for doing the same thing over again? For falling?

No.
That’s why I’m a fool, and irrational.
But I like it that way.Because I can’t just run away from my feeling, or supressed my desire and longing.I’d rather be hurt, and perhaps yes I enjoy the feeling of being hurt because when I get hurt or when I’m hopelessly devoting myself for someone I could write more cheesy lines and post.Perhaps yes, I am a masochist because I throw myself into a train wreck which is a relationship.

But afterall, it’s going to hurt.
It always going to hurt.
And I’m well aware of that.
But I’ll do it anyway.
Because a heart that hurts, is the heart that works.

Yeah of course, you are scared.Who wouldn’t?

And yet I know I am in no business of denying one of God’s greatest gift.a raw feeling for human being, love and desire.

So.

Yes, I was hurt so many times and I hurt you so many times in our destructive relationship, but there were good times and it was magical while it lasted.It was so beautiful while you and I were there.And yes it ended badly because I followed my heart.I know I was irrational when I choose the star over the sun, for the sun was there for me while I had to chase the star because the star’s not an ordinary star, it’s a shooting star that keeps moving and moving.I know I’ll get hurt.Maybe along the way I run too fast when I am trying to catch the star just like I got hurt from the burning sun.Maybe the shooting star just poof, gone into the night sky and leave me out there in the vast darkness of starry night with nothing.

Something with big risks and consequences will always worth it, I might not be able to fathom my acts and rationalize it into a logical explanation.But so far in my 20 years of life I always follow my heart and my heart may be a fool but it sends me warning signal telling me it’s gonna hurt, and yet my head gives an approval and says go ahead.

It’s gonna hurt because it matters.
It matters.
Everything matters.
Everything’s a lessons.

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