In a fast moving, boisterous, and bustling urban life, solitude has become an expensive commodity. To me, solitude has become the thing I yearn the most these past few months except of course other precious thing called time. But solitude itself is a time, time to be alone and absorbing the pure bliss of freedom.
Seven months ago, in the beginning of the year, I started a new career path. A new career path that I’ve never even think of before but oddly feel somewhat enjoyable. I started working for an advertising agency. A fast paced working life with a lot of staying late and ‘warm’ greetings from deadline to another deadline and to yet another deadline. Despite all of its’ pressure and even if I feel like drowning myself in a freezing water, I thoroughly enjoy my job.
I didn’t know when it started, but I started to spend more and more time in my office. It’s not like that I mind, because I’m indeed really fond of my coworkers. We’re all around the same age and there are things that I could talk to them besides work. I find a great companion and I feel blessed, beyond grateful, for in a tough working life with a lot of pressure, I find someone in whom I can share my burden. Someone who could give me a reassuring pat in the back and a warm hug to ease the tense and stress.
But despite the good companion that I have, I’m still missing my dearest companion: solitude. I’ve been yearning for time like the good old days in Yogyakarta where I could spend my day locked in my room, away from everyone and devouring books or movies or browsing new things. I even miss doing what I’m doing now, being home before midnight and writing this in my blog. I miss being inspired during my alone time.
When I’m alone, I find myself to be liberated and I’ve always been a seeker for freedom. I seek total silence, a conversation with my own thoughts, a clarity of mind. I cherish my solitude for in solitude I can listen to the voice which has been subdued by the bustling noises of life. I can listen to the voice which I fail to listen whenever I’m occupied. Solitude nourishes my mind and compelled me to be in a present moment, to enjoy even the simplest thing in life. To be presence, to be alive, not only existing. But to be truly alive. As ridiculous and funny as it sounds, because, as a social creature, human needs to interact with each other. But sometimes I can’t help but to feel like constant interactions are overwhelming and I feel like I want to burst because my mind are filled with conversations and thoughts and it makes me forget how to be present, to be truly present not only there physically, but mentally as well. It tortures me to be somewhere around someone I care about, but not truly being there for I’m constantly exhausted by the lack of solitude.
Solitude is a bliss and it has become an expensive commodity for me. Funny how when I was still unemployed, I wanted to have a busy life and now that I finally what I wanted, I want to go back to simplicity: more time alone. In solitude, I have time to talk to myself and to discover my inner thoughts, and when I talk to myself I feel like I’m in a complete control of myself because during the time alone, I could pour out everything, rethinking about the value that I believe in or reassuring the purpose of life that I’d like to have.
But, again, solitude is an expensive commodity. In a modern world where people are demanded to connect, connect, and connect, I feel like I’m disconnecting.
I connect with others, but I disconnecting with my own self. And how am I suppose to connect with others when I don’t even connect with my own self?
How do I talk to others when I feel like I’m a stranger to myself?